The Reluctantly Horsey Husband
This Valentine’s Day, let’s appreciate the guys who tolerate the horse hair, random packages of tack and the fact that we’d rather spend $100 on the farrier than sexy, new heels – the reluctantly horsey husband.
At least once a month, I read an article lauding ( and good-naturedly laughing at) those poor souls who fell in love with women whose hearts will always be longing for the barn. Often, though, the jokes center around the significant other being decidedly “non-horsey” and puzzled by halters, blankets and all things equine. Maybe I’m exceptionally fortunate or just very good at behavior modification because I don’t think my husband fits into that category. I doubt he’ll ever decide to skip the football game to saddle up or swoon over a stunning liver chestnut doing 4th level on youtube. Still, he’s landed himself squarely in the no-man’s land of the reluctantly horsey husband.
Taming Of An Equestrian
12 years ago, I doubt that my now husband had any glimpses of his stall cleaning future when he enthusiastically pursued the college girl bartending in a short black skirt. But some common ground (he is a West Point graduate and my brother was a cadet at the time) and my empathy for a weeks-away deployment led to a couple shared meals and my email address before he left for Afghanistan. That 8 months that he was surrounded by camo and dust was a time of pivotal change for me. I changed my major, bought the first horse of my post-junior life not intended for resale and life just seemed to settle. Each day of that 8 months ended with an email – of varying lengths and detail – chronicling the silly every day happenings and my larger musings about where life was headed. He didn’t write back that often – just a line or two every few days that he was good, the food was bad and the air full of dust.
Later, he would tell me that those emails were a touchstone to normal. A connection back to a part of his life where everyone wasn’t carrying M4 to the bathroom and you didn’t make sure all your paperwork was in order before you got on a helicopter in case this time you didn’t come home on your own 2 feet.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the pattern was set for our life together when I was agonizing over buying the mare I was leasing. I was having trouble committing (that’s a serial problem of mine) and he very succintly asked – what’s the worst case outcome, what are you afraid of? I was afraid that I wasn’t a good enough rider. I was afraid of committing again to horses when it had felt so out of reach. I didn’t know if I could handle losing something so important to me again. His quiet confidence that I should do something I loved was the push I needed.
A Steady Support
Arriving home from Afghanistan, we quietly drifted into a comfortable relationship. Later, he would tell me that he planned to marry me all along but those months of transparently honest emails had made my status as a confirmed commit-phobe clear. He learned early that barn time was a must and no gift said more than something horsey that I couldn’t bring myself to spend the money on. There was a gorgeous Stubben Camelot saddle that came into the tack shop on consignment that I just couldn’t stop admiring. He went back the next day to buy it and asked the shop owner to hold it for me. Then, a pair of custom tall boots when I was struggling to find a pair that fit well. Not quite a year later, he traded in his convertible for an F350 and argued that we should have a truck to pull a trailer.
That quiet, steadily demonstrated support continued after we got married. After another deployment to Iraq, we bought a horse trailer and he learned to drive it. 8 years later, he can back into the tightest spot or hook up our bumper pull in the dark at 4 am in under 5 minutes. He has no interest in riding, but he’s found other ways to offer a hand.
After having our son, time was at much more of a premium. My husband spent hours walking around the barn or on the trails with me pushing the jogging stroller. He learned to put on and take off blankets. When a military move made self-care boarding the only option, he split feeding and the occasional stall cleaning duties with me. He sat beside me during an especially scary colic episode and promised that if surgery was the only answer, we’d figure it out.
Reluctantly Horsey In A Thousand Small Ways
Our marriage hasn’t been the smoothest road. We’ve dealt with 7 moves in 12 years, 3 deployments, any number of shorter term separations, the after effects of TBI & combat stress and the inevitable strain of having to make the choice to grow together. The bulk of the home and kiddo duties fall to me as much because he simply doesn’t notice them as his demanding schedule. I have to regularly remind him when horse shows are or that I need time on the weekends to go ride so he can’t make plans without talking to me. But, when push comes to shove, his support and encouragement is there when I need it.
He’s made me tack trunks, blanket racks and grooming totes. He’s moved hay and held horses for the vet. He can put a gloss on my tall boots that you can see your reflection in. He feels no drive to ride or even visit the barn. But over the years, reluctantly, he has learned a thousand small ways to make it possible for this working adult amateur to continue to ride.
For him, it has nothing to do with horses. It has to do with us and the fact that horses bring me back to the best part of me.
my hubby always asks why Henry has to be in our family pics lol!!!
My husband has missed the last couple because of deployments & TDY trips but I’m planning a session once the bluebonnets pop here in Texas!
Beautiful post! My husband is still new to the horse thing because I’m getting back in the saddle seriously for the first time since we’ve been together. He’s quickly learned that barn time = happy wife. Maybe one day he’ll be able to whip a trailer around too.
Thank you, Rebecca. Good for you getting back in the saddle!
This is so sweet, and beautifully written. I have a “reluctantly horsey” SO as well, and this is so extremely relatable, though we have not reached some of the same milestones.
Thank you, Heather! They definitely make the whole adult amateuring-ing easier!
Cheers to the horse husbands!! They are golden
absolutely
I just love this! Mine has no interest it riding either, but he’s so incredible supportive in tons of different ways!
And that makes all the difference!
This made me smile. My husband is in the same category: he comes to the barn because I love it, he has taken an interest in horses because it’s something I’m passionate about it. Just like your husband, his steady support has made all the difference for me. Allowing me to purse my passion and supporting me (no matter how much money it costs, how much time it takes or how crazy his colleagues think he is) means the world to me.
My husband actually rides, but his horse has been injured so he’s been relegated to helper husband at shows and rides lately and he has been very helpful. It’s going to be hard to go back to showing without an assistant.
Love this Kristen! I’m not married but my boyfriend definitely falls into this type. He would much rather be riding a motorcycle or his dirt bike then on a horse. Although he is supportive and does like to go riding with me sometimes. It sure is the best feeling when they show little gestures to support our habit! He also knows how much they mean to me. It’s always great to have their support.