It’s not just looking good in breeches

There are no shortage of articles about the often precarious relationship between women and their weight. There is plenty out there about equestrians and their weight: GM’s infamous tirades about fat riders, big eq riders and the “eq diet”, and plenty more.

My personal struggles with my weight didn’t have much to do with my riding. While I’ve had some ups and downs, until I was 26 I didn’t have much in the way of weight fluctuation. Then, a serious reaction to a new birth control medication resulted in an almost 60 lb weight gain in less than three months. In the four years since then, I’ve been on a roller coaster of ineffective dietary and medical recommendations. Personal trainers, dietitians, doctors….no solutions. I’d lose a little of the weight, gain it back. In the last few months, an endocrinologist finally has developed an idea about what is causing the issue and we are experimenting with medications. It’s making a difference, but painfully slowly.

After four years of beating myself up about gaining the weight and not being able to get it off, there is both a mental and physical price that I’m paying. Physically, there are aches and pains in my joints and I’m frequently out of breath for no real reason at all (except for the 60 extra pounds I’m carrying). My brain doesn’t seem to understand that my body physically can’t do things that I used- it doesn’t move that fast, can’t run that long, and doesn’t have the fabulous balance of a 130 lb athlete. On a mental level, there is a constant and persistent feeling of utter failure. I know how to be healthy. i know how to lose weight. I know how to train. But it doesn’t work when it’s not inactivity, general lifestyle or nutritional choices causing the weight gain. Knowing that doesn’t ease the guilt.

While my weight gain hasn’t kept from riding exactly, it has definitely slowed me down. My center of gravity has shifted. I’m not as agile in the saddle, especially over a course, as I used to be. I tire more quickly. I am horribly self conscious in breeches and have a difficult time looking at photos or videos and seeing anything except my weight gain. Realistically, I am still fit and strong enough to ride very capably at my heavier weight. I have soft hands and a flexible, following lower back. But in my own head, I’m pushing away the fact that I feel every single one of those extra lbs when I’m on a horse.

I am, finally, making some progress with my weight loss. Identifying the cause and starting medication has helped. But it’s going to be a long road back to what is healthy for me. I have goals with my riding. Goals for my fitness. Goals for me- and I need my health back. I need to feel like me, comfortable in my own skin. It’s coming. It’s just going to be a journey.